So, today my mother called me up. “Hello, Jewboy!”
This is not how my mom usually starts conversations. Prior to today, I had always assumed that my hereditary makeup was a solid 50% dirty Pollock, 50% Anglo-Saxon stew. However, it seems that while doing some geneological research, my mother discovered that her grandparents may have in fact been no common five-and-dime Polish immigrants but in fact Polish Jews. Whether or not Polish Jews count as real Jews, I cannot say until I consult one of the local rabbis.
Semitic semantics aside, the mere possibility that my blood, DNA and other biological components do indeed contain traces of Eastern European Judaism leftover despite three generations of vigorous Polish-American crossbreeding, certainly makes one think. Does it all begin to make sense? Has the missing component that is my self-actualization fallen into place like a dradle-shaped puzzle piece? Let us examine the evidence for and against my new racial revelation.
EVIDENCE EXHIBIT A
I have been graced with a proud and sturdy nose, the profile of which bears uncanny similarities to Mt. Sinai.
TEAM JEW 1, TEAM GENTILE 0
EVIDENCE EXHIBIT B
This is my system for keeping financial records.
TEAM JEW 1, TEAM GENTILE 1
EVIDENCE EXHIBIT C
My wife and I live in a predominately Jewish neighborhood. Shortly after we moved in, we went to this restaurant called Milk ‘n’ Honey. After all, I like milk; I like honey. What could go wrong? Little did I know that a Kosher dairy restaurant serves absolutely no meat whatsoever. I thought I could at least get a Kosher Dodgerdog or something. Fine, I’m retarded. Whatever.
I ended up ordering the mushroom burger. You can imagine my chagrin when my meal arrived and I discovered that my mushroom “burger” contained no meat at all. It was a hamburger bun with mushrooms inside. To which I replied, “What is this crap? This isn’t a mushroom burger! Burgers have meat! This is a mushroom sandwich, damn you! I don’t care if you’re a Kosher dairy restaurant. If it says burger on the menu, then by gum, I expect some dead animal flesh in my face!”
Epilogue: I did get the restaurant to take the burger off the bill, so one could argue this is a point for Team Jew, but if I was really good, I would have gotten the whole meal for free.
TEAM JEW 1 1/2, TEAM GENTILE 2
EVIDENCE EXHIBIT D
It doesn’t mean what it once did in the days of wandering in the desert for forty years and locking your wife up in a broom closet for menstruating, but I am circumcised. We’ll make this worth half-a-point.
TEAM JEW 2, TEAM GENTILE 2
So, the score is tied 2-2. Is Stu a Jew? It’s up to YOU! Leave a comment to vote and determine whether I’m allowed to tell Holocaust jokes without shame!